So I was totally supposed to post this a week ago, but I just haven't been able to force myself to do it. I keep telling myself I'm going to blog and write more. I used to write all the time, even got a couple of articles published - it was very therapeutic and a great hobby. Seems like I just can't collect my thoughts anymore. I have such heaviness in my mind all the time and I just can't seem to collect it all into any sort of form that anyone but me would understand.
We're now 2 months DTE. I could write a lot about what it feels like to be at this point finally, but I can't get past the disappointment that I feel that it took us this long to get to this point. We're just at the beginning of our wait and I feel like if we had not been so stubborn we'd be a lot further in the process by now. Of course, I have no idea what God intended or did not intend or if we were in or out of his will. I only know where we are now, and of course where I'd like to be.
I continue to drive myself insane thinking about how we might be able to do two concurrent adoptions, one with a shorter wait while we wait for our Ethiopian sweetheart. We can't necessarily afford two private adoptions at the same time, but oh how I long to get a move on towards growing our family. I keep thinking about getting older, how I don't want to be too old before we get to the number of kids we would love to have. I am slightly obsessed with this and it's really not healthy.
But hey, good news is: God knows me. He knows the desires of my heart. He knows that I love being a mother. And he is typically faithful to bless me with the desires of my heart. So even if it isn't as fast as I'd like it to be - I am believing that He will bless me with the family I desire. I'm believing that he's going to give me the children he wants me to have, however they may come to me. I'm also believing that he'll guide those children, all of them, to become what ever it is He wants them to be.
I would write to you about the progress we've made towards our "Waiting Goals" but truth is, I don't know how much progress we've really made towards those specific goals. We've been working HARD towards expanding and growing the ministry in order to better help our community and we hope that this will lead in the right direction for our family life as well. We've been working towards getting college visits together for L and just always trying to spend time with and teach Z all the things a 2 year old should know (although I often think he knows much more!).
Hopefully I'll write more, I just haven't been able to find many words through the heaviness of my heart longing for a child I don't yet have and between the business of ministry and family. It's a lot. But I'm here, still waiting.
